If you’ve ever grieved any type of loss, you likely already know this to be true: grief is heavy. If you’ve never experienced grief, understanding grief as a physical weight can help you relate. Even the smallest task, like brushing teeth or making the bed, can feel overwhelming and, yes, impossible. When you can begin to grasp why grief makes everyday tasks feel impossible, you can start to figure out how to provide support for a friend or loved one going through it.
The World Stops Spinning
The first, and perhaps most obvious, reason grief makes everything else seem so hard is that, for many people dealing with loss, the world stops spinning. When you’ve lost someone important to you, or your life has been rocked by a negative shift, it can feel like nothing else matters. “Who cares about my teeth?” The bereaved may think. “I don’t need to eat, bathe, or go to work. My world is falling apart.”
In contrast, friends and family on the outside still feel the world spinning. They still recognize their obligations to everyday chores like checking the mail or walking the dog. It’s hard to bridge this gap between the bereaved and the person trying to provide support. If you’re in the latter position, the best thing you can do is to keep the bereaved person’s world spinning while they grieve. Send a housekeeper in, take the kids to school and back, or send a soup care package to make sure they eat.
Grief Is Mental, Emotional, and Physical
Now, you may be wondering why the person’s world stops spinning. After all, they know they still have these things to do. A harsh reality about grief, especially intense grief, is that it isn’t just an emotional experience of sadness. Grief is deeply emotional, of course. You may be surprised, sad, and even angry. If the deceased person was suffering from a long-term illness, you may even feel a bit relieved that they’re no longer suffering. Then, of course, feelings of relief may lead to feelings of guilt.
Yes. There’s a whole range of emotions. At the same time, grief is mental. You have to process the fact that this person is no longer in your life. You wade through memories, you realize a future without them, and you consider a present that has suddenly shifted. On top of all of that emotional and mental processing, now you also have to address a stressed-out nervous system, which can lead to all kinds of physical aches, pains, and discomforts. Amidst all that turmoil, it’s hard to get up and brush your teeth.
Brain Fog Creates Confusion
Another reason regular life feels daunting for the bereaved is directly related to the mental load grief takes on a person. Grief can create literal brain fog, which is an experience of feeling almost constant confusion. Days begin to blend together, you may forget words, and thoughts may leave your mind mid-thought. Some people report brain fog as feeling like they’re going crazy. It can feel easier to just lie down and try to forget about everything.
If your loved one seems to be suffering from brain fog as a result of grief, you can show up for them to keep things clear. You may even want to pull your community together to help your loved one function as they work through their grief. You can assign different times of day or specific tasks to each person. That way, the bereaved person still has their basic needs met, bills still get paid, and children are still watched over through this grueling process.
Depleted Dopamine Blocks Motivation
You likely already know that grief saps the dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is your happy chemical, so of course, a deep sadness is going to replace any and potentially even all happiness you may have. What you may not realize is that depleted dopamine can also block any and all motivation you may have. This means that while you’re normally driven to get things done, that drive, during grief, is nowhere to be found.
Motivation is what gets you out of bed in the morning and pushes you through your day. Without motivation, you don’t want to set goals and accomplish tasks. As a loved one of someone without motivation, you can help on two fronts. First, take on some of the most essential tasks the bereaved cannot get done. Second, help them regain their dopamine in other ways, like through daily walks, watching funny films, or making a favorite meal together. As they process their grief and regain some dopamine, they’ll be able to take on their tasks again.
Grief Is Work
Finally, it’s important to remember that grief is work. It’s hard to confront, accept, and process grief. And it’s not linear, which means it can take weeks just to get through the initial phase. Then, the bereaved may think they’re fine only to fall into another phase of grief because of a birthday, holiday, or a silly reminder of the deceased. As the person moves through their grief, they will be able to accomplish small tasks in fits and starts, with potential relapses occurring for months.
In this situation, your best approach is patience. Stay in touch with the grieving person, ask how you can help, and keep showing up, even if they push you away. Consider what you know about the person, and reach out in ways that make sense for you and for them. This could be a care package, a phone call, or even an initial appointment with a grief counselor. Whatever you do, make sure your loved one knows that you’re there for support, whatever form that takes.
In the end, grief makes everyday tasks feel impossible because grief in itself feels impossible to hold and too heavy to bear. As someone who loves a grieving person, you may feel helpless or useless. It’s important to know that even the smallest gestures can make a huge difference to someone who’s moving through a fog. Do what you can, when you can, however you can, and keep doing it. It is possible to come out on the other side, and they’ll need you there when they do.
