For many separated parents, the holidays bring a particular kind of stress. There are school breaks to split, travel to coordinate, and family expectations to manage, often with a co-parent you may not get along with. Meanwhile, social feeds fill up with families gathered around one table, and it’s easy to feel like yours is the only one that doesn’t look like that.
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I know that feeling well. For years, I was a morning news anchor, and my job was to report whatever the day brought, steadily and with care. Midway through live newscasts, my phone would buzz, and a simple alert was often enough to make my stomach drop. Off camera, my own family was coming apart in ways I couldn’t talk about on air. I was spending time in family court and mothering four kids, two of them still at home. Almost nobody watching had any idea.
Since then, I’ve had the chance to interview therapists, clinicians, family law attorneys, and former judges who work with families much like mine. Here are a few things I’ve learned from them, and from my own life, that may help during the holiday season.
Letting the Plan Do the Work
Between school breaks, travel, and family gatherings, the holiday calendar fills up fast. Having the schedule settled well in advance and in writing gave our household time to prepare and gave the kids something to look forward to.
Plans can still change when a child gets sick or a flight is delayed, and some give-and-take can make those moments easier. In my own situation, I found it helped to lean on the parenting plan as written, so fewer details were up for debate.
Writing Like a News Brief
When I needed to send a message or answer one, I tried to write it like a news brief. News stories need the who, what, when, and where, so I started including those basics and little else. A message like, “I’ll pick up the kids at noon Wednesday and drop them off at 10 a.m. Thursday,” says what it needs to and doesn’t invite much back-and-forth. When things are especially tense, some therapists suggest the gray rock approach, which means keeping replies about as uninteresting as a gray rock so there’s less to argue about. It isn’t the right fit for every situation, so it can be worth talking through with a therapist first.
Co-parenting apps can help, too. The one I represent and believe in is BestInterest. It filters emotionally charged language from incoming messages and coaches you toward a calm, clear reply before you hit send, which can help protect boundaries. It works even when only one parent uses it, and it also keeps the original messages in case you ever need documentation.
Planning for the Quiet Days
Holiday advice for co-parents rarely covers the days without the kids. A quiet house on a holiday morning can be one of the harder parts of being a separated parent. I found it helped to plan for those days, too, whether that meant time with friends, getting outside, or simply giving myself permission to rest. Those days can even become a chance to start a few traditions of your own.
Giving the Kids Permission
Kids often notice more than we realize, especially during the holidays. From what I’ve learned, being pulled into adult conflict can leave them feeling anxious, guilty, or caught in the middle. Many kids also worry about hurting a parent’s feelings. Family therapists often suggest that, when both homes are safe, parents let kids know it’s OK to enjoy their time with the other parent, and to talk about it when they come home, without pressure either way. That can feel harder when things between the adults are strained, but it can help kids feel secure in both homes.
The holidays can still hold a lot of joy, even when they look different. In the families I’ve interviewed, I’ve seen new rhythms take hold, and parents discover more strength than they knew they had. Kids, especially, can be remarkably good at finding the magic in a new kind of holiday.
I still remember smiling through a newscast while my phone buzzed and my stomach dropped. What I couldn’t see then were the good moments still ahead, like new traditions, calmer mornings, and holidays that started to feel like our own again. If this season isn’t what you pictured, you’re in good company, and I hope a few of those moments find you, too.
Author: Renée Lee Ryan (formerly Renee Nelson) is a journalist and spokesperson for BestInterest.app.
