You may find yourself in a romantic relationship where the other person treats you poorly — sadly, a situation many find themselves in every day. You might start thinking that the old advice, “You teach others how to treat you,” seems applicable. Rather than simply walking away, you might consider educating the other person on the finer points of showing you respect. You might also be making a colossal mistake, says noted author and relationship expert Dr. Venus Nicolino.
Teaching others how to treat you certainly applies to a professional setting or casual social interactions. But it’s not such a hot idea in a romantic relationship. As Nicolino points out in a video on her popular TikTok channel, you didn’t sign up to give instructions on proper behavior.
“You teach people how to treat you. Now, that’s a nifty little saying, isn’t it? And a broken record in the dating world,” says Venus Nicolino, author of Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. “But know this: Unless you signed up to be a how-to professor, I wouldn’t spend too much time educating someone you’re dating on how humans should be treated.
“In a relationship, we evolve with each other, we learn about one another’s wants and needs. With caring people, there will be a sincere desire to learn, not pressure to teach someone how to be a decent human being toward you.”
Intimate Relationships Can Be a Minefield of Power Dynamics and Emotional Imbalances
The idea of teaching someone how to treat you often involves setting boundaries. People strive to set a clear line between what they will and will not tolerate. That doesn’t work so well in a romantic relationship.
When you’re in an intimate relationship, there are often power dynamics and emotional imbalances at play that aren’t easily overcome by setting a boundary or two.
Power dynamics might involve one partner having more emotional, financial, or social power than the other, making it difficult for the less empowered partner to assert themselves. An emotional imbalance might involve one partner feeling more invested in a relationship or fearing abandonment and, therefore, becoming more inclined to accept mistreatment.
Rather than fall into those traps, it’s typically better to draw a line and stand up for yourself when it is crossed. As Venus Nicolino says in one of her other TikToks: “Standing up for yourself feels good. Try it. You might become addicted.”
Signs of Disrespect in a Relationship
Feeling the need to teach someone how to treat you often comes down to one simple thing: feeling disrespected. While love and respect are two different things, they should go hand in hand. Love involves affection and passion for the other person, as well as intimacy and emotional commitment. Respect means having a deep admiration for your partner as a human being.
While having both love and respect for a partner is the ideal, it often isn’t the reality. Rather than spending time trying to educate the other person, it’s often best to focus on some of the troubling signs of disrespect in a relationship. Some of the biggest are the ones they build television series and movies around, like lying or cheating. But there are other, less dramatic indications.
They include your partner not honoring your need to have your own space and time. They also involve issues related to communication, such as speaking to you in a derogatory manner, not listening when you are talking, and interrupting or talking over you. It’s also important to pay attention to how your partner makes you feel — warning signs include not feeling valued (sometimes by making important decisions without you) and making you feel less important than they are.
These disrespectful habits are sadly very common. After studying 40,000 married couples, one researcher found that different types of communication problems most frequently led to divorce. They include contempt, criticism, and ignoring the other person.
Dr. Venus Nicolino Talks About Handling Disrespect in a Relationship
If confronted with a partner who continually disrespects you, Venus Nicolino suggests moving on is better than conducting remedial classes on good behavior.
She makes it clear this doesn’t apply to the little things. “Feel free to give bite-sized tutorials to a loving prospect who may not be self-aware about being on time or leaving the toilet seat in the upright position. Those are quick fixes,” Nicolino says. “Even a short lesson on avoiding nitpicking is fine; they may not realize they do it. So, grab your laser pointer and point it out.”
However, she said if your partner needs more training on how to treat you decently, “These dum-dums should enroll elsewhere. Somewhere with training and facilities suited for such a deep lack of knowledge. Where’s that, you ask? Again — not your problem.”
She said her advice also applies to those who have signs of anger issues or those who think “the Bill of Rights includes freedom to disrespect you and others. How are you going to teach them how to treat you when they lack fundamentals they should have picked up in kindergarten?
“Do you have 12 years to invest in turning their personality around? Put your hand down. That’s a rhetorical question. No, you do not.”
In talking about the futility of trying to teach a romantic partner how to treat you, Nicolino is hitting on an issue that impacts many people. That’s not surprising, given she’s spent her career focusing on relationship issues. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology. Venus Nicolino also frequently discusses relationship issues through her TikTok videos and Instagram posts, as well as on “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast.
