Are you a nerd at heart? Do you create songs about the periodic table in secret? Do you quote lines from the Goonies and have your very own “Vote for Pedro” tee-shirt?
If your friends call you geek and hornrims are your thing, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve tracked down 6 nerdy things that every dork, dweeb, and weirdo should do. When you’re ready to get your nerd on, head to the next section.
1. Beat a Lie Detector Test
Have you been hacking the Pentagon? Are you worried Homeland Security will discover you finally cracked cold fusion? Then we’ve got the solution.
Learn to beat a polygraph test. You only need to know how to control a few of your autonomic responses:
• Heart rate
• Breathing
• Blood Pressure
Polygraph machines measure your physical reactions while you respond to baseline questions. These might include queries like, “Is your name…” or “Do you live at….” Afterward, the grilling begins.
Test monitors compare your baseline measurements with your physical responses as they put the screw in you. If there’s no difference, then you’re telling the truth. If there’s a change, then you’re lying.
Experts say the trick isn’t in controlling your stress when you’re lying. Quite the opposite. The trick is increasing your panic during the baseline measurements.
When that happens, you can fib as much as you want because all your responses will match the baseline tests.
2. Become a Human Compass
You’ve probably heard that birds have fancy bio-magnets in their heads. This substance, magnetite, gives them the power to navigate without a compass. Well, you obviously can’t do that.
But you’re a nerd, remember, you have bioweapons of your own. The big one is in your head. So, grab an analog watch and let’s get started.
Put on your watch and point the hour hand at the sun. Now find the halfway point between the hour hand and the “12” on the watch face. You just discovered which way true south lies.
3. Discover Nerdy Things With Locks, Like Crafting a Bump Key
Have you been watching private eye movies again? Or maybe you just held a Die Hard marathon? Whatever the case, you’re dying to learn how to pick a lock, crack a safe, and bump a deadbolt.
Well then, let’s start with making the first item on our list of cool geek stuff: a bump key. Start with an ordinary key blank that’s roughly the same size as the key that fits in the lock.
Also, find another key that’s the same size and fits into a lock. You’re going to use it to eyeball the depth of the deepest valleys between its teeth. This is your example key.
Now, use a wedge or triangular shaped file to shave small teeth into the key blank. You want a total of 5 teeth and 5 valleys of the same size. The valleys should be no deeper than the example key’s deepest valley.
Bingo, you’ve taken the first step to a life of crime.
4. Learn Monty Python Trivia
If you haven’t memorized Monty Python facts, you’re automatically disqualified from the nerd brotherhood. Just kidding! Or are we?
Here are a few facts to get you started:
Q: I was born next door to Jesus, in Jerusalem. At 30, I joined the People’s Front of Judea. I’m not a Roman, I’m Jewish!
A: Brian Cohen
Q: Always look on the …
A: bright side of life
Q: What does Prince Herbert really want to do?
A: sing
Q: The Nights Who Say, “Ni” request which gift first to pass through the woods?
A: shrubbery
But really, this is one of the top contenders for things nerds like. If you don’t know your Monty Python trivia, it’s time to get cracking.
5. Memorize the Keys to Surviving the Next Zombie Apocalypse
We know it’s coming. We just don’t know when. You probably already have your stash of machetes and crossbows, but do you know how to use them?
Canned food and weapons won’t be enough unless you know the rules for survival. Are you ready to hear them and really learn how to be a geek? Here we go:
1. Clear the entire building before you rest for the night.
2. Never turn your back on the enemy.
3. When holding back the horde, form two lines.
4. Zombies aren’t that bad; it’s the humans you’ve got to watch out for.
5. A hammer to the skull is your best bet.
6. Windows are not your friends.
7. Head for a boat or an island.
8. Blow everything up.
9. Zombies hate to cuddle.
10. You’re probably going to die, so have some fun with it!
You’d better brush up on your tech geekiness, like learning how to connect AirPods to Mac, before the apocalypse starts. You can’t throw a party without music. Boy, would you feel dumb then!
6. Know Thy Secret Nerdy Handshake
You don’t know it yet? Ok, it’s alright. You are part of the pack now, so we can share it with you.
Put your hand out in front of you as if you were about to give someone a high five. Now close your fingers and allow your thumb to drop out to the side at a 45-degree angle. Pull your middle finger and ring finger apart.
Live long and prosper.
What’s Next?
Now you have 6 nerdy things to share with your geeky friends. They might even impress your dorky love interest. Wield your new gifts with care, after all, with great power comes great responsibility.
If you found this article as delightful as we did, bop over and check out our ridiculously fun library full of weird and wonderful pop culture. So long and good luck!
