I like zombies. Something about the walking dead has appealed to me since I was a kid. They are the working class of the monster realm.

I have found that a gender gap exists when it comes to zombies. Guys tend to like them, and girls prefer vampires.

Zombies and vampires are both undead and they both consume people (either flesh or blood), but vampires are complicated. You never know for sure if they are trying to seduce you or kill you. I admit vampires are sexy. Let’s see someone try to write a series of novels about a high school girl falling in love with a zombie. It won’t happen.

Vampires have a lot of rules. Don’t go out in the light; be afraid of garlic; don’t get staked in the heart, and NEVER kill another vampire. The vampire rule list goes on and on. Zombies are easy; they eat people. Vampires have to bite you three times. What’s that about? Zombies only have to scratch you, and you’re toast.

No, zombies are a guy’s kind of monster. They walk around and eat. They like red meat, and they don’t engage in conversation. They just growl and grunt. What you see is what you get (even in a mirror).

I will also admit that I am a zombie purist. I hate it when the people that make movies or television shows portray zombies wrong. Zombies don’t sprint. They can limp fast on their broken legs and twisted ankles, but they do not run fast. Getting away from one is easy. Getting through a crowd of 300 of them is the problem.

Zombies don’t talk — at all! Not even to say things like “brains, braaains.” And come on, zombies do not crave brains! They like any flesh at all. If they only get one bite at you, they’re probably going for an arm or a leg. In fact, if they pin you to the ground, they aren’t going to gnaw on your cranium. They are going for your torso stuffed full of organs and intestines. They will usually pull them out so that their buddy zombies can have some, too. I think the whole “zombies eat brains” thing started with some vegan sci-fi writer that wanted to help the walking dead eat healthier.

When it’s not a serious zombie movie, it’s okay for some zombie liberties to be taken. Of course, real zombies don’t play video games like in “Shaun of the Dead,” and they don’t dance like in Michael Jackson videos. That’s just for fun. But if you’re making a serious zombie movie like “I Am Legend” or “28 Days Later” follow the rules!

No, vampires are confusing, complicated and relational. Zombies are simple.

Calling All Zombies: Third Annual Zombie Walk

For those who wish they were a zombie, well, you’re in luck. Join the zombie horde at the Third Annual Zombie Walk this Saturday, October 29th. The fest starts at 2 p.m. with live music; the Zombie Walk begins at 6 p.m., and the event ends with a performance by The Relics.

The event is free with a canned food donation for St. Mary’s Food Bank.

Zombie Walk 2011


Zombie Walk 2010

For more information about the Annual Zombie Walk, visit www.downtownphoenix.com/zombie.